ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
