So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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