saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
