You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
