piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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