The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
