I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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