I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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