i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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