that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
