At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
