When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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