Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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