If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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