I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
