I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
