I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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