I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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