Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
