It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
