so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
