i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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