I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
