If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This toilet bowl is my home.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
