My hair reeks of homosexuality.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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