Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
