my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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