The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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