I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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