You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
