i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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