Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
