I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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