she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
