I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
