They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
