Well douche your snatch and let's go!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
