What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
