Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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