just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize