i just wanna soil my oats bro
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
