my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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