he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
