I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
