I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
