all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
