How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
