I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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