Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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