i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
