If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize