I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
