Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
