I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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