I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
