Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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