TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
