I got chris browned last night
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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