Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
